Archive for the 'Discovering What is Real and True' Category

Lessons for Living

“The key to living a truly satisfying life is nurturing your relationships…” I was startled by the tagline of the article in

Jake borrows Denise's jacket for a goofy pic. Just another good relationship at CCBS.

Jake borrows Denise's jacket for a goofy pic. Just another good relationship at CCBS.

October’s issue of Psychology Today. There was the R word again, RELATIONSHIPS, front and center, demanding my attention with a “How are yours going these days?” insinuation. And the teacher in me has to give an honest C+. I’m struggling. Or maybe closer to the truth: I’m juggling, and a few balls are getting dropped, especially in the relationships department

I’ve got a lot on my plate right now – Academic Dean, teacher, Soccer mom, choir member, Clemson University doctoral student, chef, maid, laundress, taxi, and tutor. Oh, and single motherhood, which is a full time job in itself. At our August Family Seminar, we were asked to introduce ourselves and reveal our secret superpower wish.  I rather flippantly answered, “Are you kidding? I’m a single mother. I HAVE all the superpowers I need.” You may notice there are a lot of jobs I have, but no mention of relationships in here. In other words, a lot of “whats” but not a lot of “whos.”

To make things worse, we create a life of busy and then throw in an unspoken infallibility factor upon ourselves. The “if you’re going to do it all, you better do it well without complaint” self-challenge. That’s a perfect setup for failure, shame, and doubt when something doesn’t go right. Keeping busy prevents us from reflecting upon how well we’re doing in the really important thing in life: Relationships. That’s a strange little paradigm, isn’t it? We stay occupied pretending to be too busy for platonic and romantic relationships that we might fail at, but become so busy we end up chastising ourselves for not doing a good job at things that may not be that important in the first place.

Here at school, we focus on teaching the boys that relationship is first and foremost, yet I’m not fully modeling the behavior. I may be driving my son to soccer, but I could do better just engaging him in discussion on the way to the game. I am singing on the Worship Team, but when we’re just talking and not practicing harmonies, my thoughts stray to what I have to do next. I’ve got the schedule down pat, but I’m not allowing my guard down to show vulnerability in the moment.

Vulnerability is a key concept in relationships. It popped up in an amazing TED talk last night in my college class. The segment featured Brene’ Brown, who is a research professor at the University of Houston and has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She seeks to answer the question, “how do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness?” I know I have to give myself permission to be less busy and more vulnerable to engage in relationships that have – as we say at CCBS – heart  and meaning. And to accept no shame if I do it imperfectly.  The discovery of what is “real and true about ourselves and the world around us” means to render ourselves vulnerable and fully embrace the ride!

Invest 20 very worthwhile minutes to enjoy Brene’ Brown’s TED talk “The Power of Vulnerability” at this website address:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

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All I Really Need to Know About Life, I Learned from Middle School Boys

Learning all I need to know about life with the boys on the CCBS front porch chairs...

Learning all I need to know about life with the boys on the CCBS front porch chairs...

(with a nod to Robert Fulghum, who learned about life through Kindergarteners)

Most of what I really need

To know about how to live

And what to do and how to be

I learned from my middle school boys.

Wisdom was not at the top

Of my doctorate pursuit mountain,

But deep in the red dirt of a therapeutic boys school known as Cherokee Creek.

These are the things I learned:

Share with others, but some things can be just yours.

Play fair. Play often. Be playful.

Don’t hit, kick, punch, throw things, or yell.

Put things away if you want them to be there tomorrow.

Clean up your own mess.

Anything found abandoned is considered fair game – It’s called a “G-Score.”

Say you’re sorry when you’ve finished processing an argument. Don’t say it until you are ready , or it’s not authentic.

Wash your hands, a lot. Especially important after seeing their science fair pitri dish results.

Flush. Twice if necessary. There will be a boy cleaning your restroom.

Cookies, milk, and the occasional gourmet cupcake can make anybody’s day.

Live in balance – pursue Personal Enrichment, Academics, Therapy, and Healthy endeavors.

Learn some and think some

And play and work every day some. Make it outdoors whenever possible.

Forget naps – you might miss something good. You can sleep when you’re dead.

When you go out in the world, keep an eye on whoever’s in your group. They like to hide around corners just to see if you’re paying attention.

Hug them a lot.

Be aware of their individual boy-ness, build a strong relationship in which you show you care about them, and remember, no matter how big or hairy they are, they are still BOYS.

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Reflections on Mentoring

At August Family Seminar, Beth Venable mentors parents on how to develop a village of support before their students return home.

At August Family Seminar, Beth Venable mentors parents on how to develop a village of support before their sons return home.

As I prepare to leave CCBS and take the next step on my career path, I find myself reflecting on all I have learned here and the power of mentors throughout my life.

Mentors are people who help reveal “what is real and true about you and the world around you” by role modeling, teaching, and, as Dan Rather once said are people who” believe in you, who tug and push and lead you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called “Truth.'”

Dr. Beger, my high school mentor & teacher, taught me that I had a power and purpose that was innately mine. She taught me how to access my courage, even when it was buried near my toes. Jane Condon, my high school’s principal, showed me that leadership can be a class act, that teams of people are happiest when they know why you have picked them. Shelby Hicks, my first boss, taught me about service and gave my my first lessons in business as she taught me to keep the books in a pencil ledger, the same way her father had before her. John Degan, a college professor who became a dear friend, taught me that no man need be an island, that exceptional performance is a rare treasure and that I could work my fanny off and still get a “C.” Ellen Richard, who hired me fresh out of college at the Roundabout Theatre, taught me that all the Southern charm I can muster will have little result if I don’t do my job well. She also taught me, rather painfully, that everyone is replaceable. Suzanne Youngerman, the Program Director at Young Audiences at the time, taught me what program development is and how to do it well. The “Duenas” (my mother’s close girlfriends) taught me how to return to my authentic self, when I had all but lost any thread of her. Jack Wise, with whom I once sunk a boat, taught me about accepting “what is” and moving ahead whether you like it or not. Beth Black, who founded Cherokee Creek Boys School, taught me the value of orienting your business, first and foremost, by its mission and values and about what it really means to put form after function.

Though none of these folks are my immediate family, their impact on my life has been profound. These are some of the greatest mentors I have intersected in my life. Beginning at the age of 13 and continuing on to today, they have presented themselves as catalysts for change throughout the years.

Some of them were great inspirations, others have made me wince with the raw reality of “real life.” All of them were invaluable and changed my life for the better. I would not trade any of these relationships for a life of ease and riches. I believe the most interesting tapestries are the ones with an abundance of colors, a rainbow of stories and even a few knots.

We all need mentors who help us uncover our authentic self and move toward discovering and living out our purpose. I want to express to all parents that your sons have wonderful mentors at CCBS. They will be blessed by their experience here and remember their favorite staff with affection…as will I. Thank you to everyone who has touched my life while at Cherokee Creek…you have added a stitch to the tapestry of my life.

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Choosing Good Technology

Tommy, Gerhardt, Michael and Perry start a game of Heroclix

Tommy, Gerhardt, Michael and Perry start a game of Heroclix

Here in the woods of Westminster, SC, sits our little therapeutic boys’ school campus. The driveway is dirt and rock. The buildings are made of logs and mortar.  Three streams converge at the southern side and the trees are too thick to number. It’s peaceful and serene … we like to think its soil is healing … but it is rarely quiet. That’s because at any given free time, there are rousing games of Capture the Flag, Knock Out, pickup basketball, Yu-Gi-Oh, Heroclix, or Sorry going on. There is frequently piano music or guitar strumming. Sometimes, someone is singing out loud. And there is conversation – always conversation.

What’s missing here at CCBS is noise from the various media. The television rarely gets turned on, there are few computers, and cell phones don’t work unless the clouds part magically and the wind blows right. Our boys are learning healthy new skills for working with people through their teenage years, and our staff is stable and strong.

So in response to the Newsweek article of July 15th, “Tweets, Texts, Email, Posts … Is the Onslaught Making Us Crazy?” we have to chime in our collective response: “We don’t know We are – dare we say it? – not the least bit crazy.” High tech just isn’t our thing, and therefore we’d be pretty poor test subjects.

This isn’t to say our phones don’t ring – they do, all day long. It’s not to say we don’t have piles of emails awaiting us at the end of the day. The pace is just slower – thanks to satellite-only internet capabilities – yet the work gets done. It gives us more time to reflect before replying to the pile, which is sometimes a good thing.

It was our founders’ belief that school moves just a bit too quickly for some middle school boys to handle. So at CCBS, we make good choices in technology usage and focus on relationship-building. Recent studies cited in the Newsweek article [and discussed in the “Powering Down” blog on the CCBS website] are pointing to a relationship between our connectivity and depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, attention-deficit disorders, and outright psychosis. The new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders due out next year will include Internet Addiction Disorder in its appendix, tagging it for “further study.” Already, China, Taiwan and Korea accept the diagnosis and are treating it as a national health crisis, according to the article. Says MIT psychologist Sherry Turkle, “Technology can make us forget important things we know about life.”

We like to think the important things in life are building relationships with peers, communicating with parents and friends, and paying attention to what has heart and meaning.

Technology evolution has been a wonderful thing to watch occur in my lifetime. And it makes me proud to be the age where I can refer to a “broken record” and get the blank stares in return. Having these kinds of conversations is both satisfying and educational – because they usually occur out on the front porch, playing or watching a board game with the boys.

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Earthlore Lessons

Mark Warren determines appropriate bark for making cordage.

Mark Warren determines appropriate bark for making cordage.

Recently, I observed the intense curiosity and active engagement of the boys as they listened to a story about the Cherokee Indians. It was presented by Mark Warren, naturalist, composer, writer and Director of Medicine Bow, A Primitive School of Earthlore in the North Georgia Mountains. Warren showed the boys their unique relationship with nature through the Earthlore (stories from nature) he had accumulated by the Native Americans. After engaging the boys in a discussion of Earthlore and nature, the boys went outdoors to experience hands- on activities that connected them to the spirit of Cherokee Indians who lived and walked the soil where the Cherokee Creek campus now sits. Mark then helped the boys experience nature as a source of food, medicine, craft materials, fire, tools, weaponry, play and shelter. Learning through the patient methods of the American Indians, the boys had an incredible opportunity for academic as well as spiritual growth. They encountered their masculine spirit through the rituals of an Indian Warrior. These rituals included learning how to hand drill a fire from wood, stalk without being seen, and make cordage (rope) from tree bark. For me, the day was a “real and true” demonstration of the living and practical messages of the medicine wheel –the warrior, visionary, healer and teacher. He showed us how our Cherokee ancestors lived in harmony with nature. But the day went beyond Warren’s lessons of Earthlore. It was a poignant demonstration of the power of mentoring. He shared not only skills and knowledge but also the important message for all males, “I am wise, strong, loved, and a man.Jane Barker, LISW, is the Clinical Services Manager at Cherokee Creek Boys School, located in the upstate of South Carolina.

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Meatballs, Noodles and Ribs

I’m a big picture kind of person who likes to simplify ideas down so everybody can grasp my concepts. When I gomeatballs shampoo shopping, there are two kinds: “cheap and expensive.” When I go clothes shopping, I breeze right past most of the racks and head for the back where they keep the items on sale: “clearance vs. outrageous.” Additionally, when it comes to grocery shopping, there are three kinds of foods: “name brand, generic or fresh.” Actually, there is no difference between name brand and generic to me, which leaves my preferred two categories.

In the past year at Cherokee Creek Boy School, I’ve met about 50 boys, aged 11 to 15. And in my mind, I’ve boiled them down to three types: Meatballs, Noodles and Ribs. The labels have to do with how hard each boy is going to make it for me to build a relationship with them.  I’ll explain.

Almost all the boys who come here are meatballs. I’d say about 80% of the population would be a meatball.  If you grew up Italian – or just wanted to eat exclusively in fine Italian restaurants your entire life, like me – you know that a perfectly made meatball begins in the frying pan. For just a few minutes, you brown it so it holds its shape in the sauce into which you later add it. Then, when it’s pasta time, you bite into a meatball and it’s got the perfect amount of “crusty” texture with a nice, soft, warm and perfectly cooked inside. “That’s a meat-a-ball,” my saintly, childhood babysitter used to say. (Bless your heart for giving me the love of all things Italian, Mrs. Cialini!)

That’s how the majority of our boys are – slightly crispy on the outside, but tender on the inside. Once you get past that crusty exterior and get to know the heart of them, they’re such a delight to work with and build a relationship with. They’re meatballs!

Now another group of boys comes to us as noodles …  slightly overcooked, if I may say so. All good Italian chefs know you want your noodles al dente and the best way to test their readiness is to throw them against a wall and see if they stick. No stick – not ready. Stick a moment then fall — perfect. Stick and takes a chisel to get it off – way overdone.  A few of our boys come to us and suddenly become an appendage to anyone who’ll allow it — too much stick. They wear their emotions on their sleeves, don’t feel like they can function without constant assistance, and feel as if they need complete direction in their lives – too much limp as well. About 15% are Noodles – easy to get to know, but you need to set some firm boundaries and help them see their own strengths for maximum enjoyment.

The last 5% are ribs. Anybody who has had a good, Italian gravy with pork ribs thrown in for flavoring knows that the ribs are worth fighting over with relatives. These boys are wonderful challenges in relationship building. But they’re like a rib in this way … there’s an easy layer to enjoy on the surface, but a stiff bone in there that you really need to work on to finally get all the good stuff. Ask any dog — for maximum enjoyment, you need to get to the stuff inside the bone. Not that we gnaw away at the boys here, but there are definitely some that take a little longer to come to know with the numbers of defenses they have. But when you finally do, they’re lip smacking, finger licking, fabulous – just like a rib.

Meatballs, noodles, and ribs … all really wonderful foods, just like all our really wonderful boys.

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What the experts say…

David LePere

David LePere

Last month Cherokee Creek Boys School was visited by the Quality Assurance Review Team of the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools Council on Accreditation and School Improvement (I know that’s quite a mouthful)…The body THAT accredits our academic program AT CCBS. They were conducting an on-site visit as part of the evaluation process for the academic accreditation we have had since 2005.

Three expert educators from all over South Carolina spent 3 days pouring over our documentation, observing our classrooms, and interviewing our staff, students, parents, and board members. We have just received their official report and would like to share their commendations and required actions with you.

I AM VERY PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT, as a result of the review, we have been awarded another five year full accreditation!

I want to thank EVERY parent, student, staff member, educational consultant, friend and neighbor who has been a part of our school over the past 6 years has helped us in the process of continually improving our “small school with the big heart.”

Special thanks to:

  • Our Academic Dean Denise Savidge. Denise spent her first year at Cherokee Creek driving our academics to new heights and the improvements have already made a huge impact on our boys learning. She also was the chief documentation assembler- about 1000 pages – all the while teaching her English/social studies classes!
  • The group of parent volunteers who were interviewed by the QAR team. They really impressed the evaluators with their enthusiasm and their ability to give evidence of the help their boys were receiving at Cherokee Creek!
  • William Carpenter our Counseling Department Manager. For taking the time it takes to do it right, even though there are many demands on his time.
  • Phil Fairbrother our operations director. Phil provided much needed organization and a systems approach to the review process.
  • Our founders and board of directors for always voting for continuous improvement at Cherokee Creek Boys School. Status quo is a no go for this supportive group of directors!

Below you will find our top ranked KUDOS and the two recommendations for improvement over the next 5 years. We look forward to our next 5 years of operation and continuing to building the greatest learning community available to middle school boys!

All My Best,
David

Commendation #1
Cherokee Creek Boys School has firmly established its vision and core values. All stakeholder groups interviewed by the QAR team indicated a shared commitment to the vision of the school. The vision frames all decisions made by school leadership and staff.

Commendation #2
The Cherokee Creek location and facility support the nature driven approach to holistic learing in a therapeutic environment.

Commendation #3
The collaboration between the therapeutic and instructional staff fosters an environment with a pinpoint focus on each individual child and his family.

Commendation #4
The visionary leadership of the board and school leadership team encourages and supports innovation and creativity.

Commendation #5
The family component of the therapeutic and academic initiatives provides unique opportunities enhancing the probability of successful outcomes for students and family systems.

Required Action #1
Develop, implement and utilize an outcome study of the impact of therapeutic and instructional programs.

Required Action #2
Explore new funding opportunities and collaborative partnerships available to work with a non-profit organization.

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Turning It Around

Denise Savidge with Sam and "driver" Nick - too cute!

Denise Savidge with Sam and "driver" Nick - too cute!

Next week marks my one year anniversary of joining the Cherokee Creek Boys School staff as Academic Dean. It’s been an amazing journey of growth, self-discovery, and relationship building in what I call fondly, “The Greatest Job Ever.”

There will likely be those who ponder how big a (choose from suck-up, butt-kisser, brown-noser) I am by writing a blog so blatantly complimentary to my colleagues. But you have to know them. When you’re as delighted as I am to come every day and work with these folks, you feel the need to spread the love on a little thick now and then.

Two years ago I was homeless and jobless. Who wouldn’t feel lucky to have a job — any job — given those circumstances? Somewhere close to MLK day 2010, I was packed up and halfway home to Pennsylvania to live in my parents’ basement. That’s the absolute truth. Well okay, the basement is actually unfinished. I probably could have scored my old bedroom. Thanks to the miracle of modern smart phone communication, an email was delivered offering me a job to make just-above-poverty-level in the local school district. It was enough to get by. It was also a foot in the door, and I turned around and drove five hours back to where I’d started.

That fortuitous email was the beginning of a much needed walk in faith and fellowship. The friends and relationships I’ve formed since turning around that day make life before that point look like a scrimmage against myself. I had been losing no matter what, questioning every decision and second guessing every move. It was mental torture I was inflicting upon myself. Does this sound like something our boys have experienced?

Each move I made after my personal decision to turn my car around brought me closer to finding CCBS one year later, where I finally feel at home. Every perceived misstep I took gained me a skill set I’m using daily in a giant montage of job freedom and creativity. It’s good, hard, rewarding work with payoffs every day – always based in being able to witness and be part of the “turn around” the boys do while they’re here. It’s a team effort in which there are no superstars claiming MVP, just team players acknowledging the other guy’s part in the process.

Turning around is a BIG theme here at CCBS. Our boys come to “turn it around.” Our families get to take a new course along with them. And we’ve grown so much as a school since about this time last year. We all manage to grow and change on these healing soils – from the trees to the people to the school itself.

This week, we were told we would again be recommended for accreditation by SACS. We can’t reveal most of the contents of the study until it’s published, but suffice it to say we were showered with some pretty amazing and heartwarming Commendations. To have strangers walk onto your campus and immediately recognize the warmth, camaraderie, cohesion, and respect among students and staff is a pretty big accolade.

Have you ever wondered about our claim to be “The Small School with the Big Heart?” Even first time visitors see it. Next time you’re in the area, turn around for a quick visit with us. It’s always rewarding to see the good work going on around here.

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Announcing the Family Center!

Members of our most recent Family Trek in November: Beth Venable is center among CCBS students, parents, siblings, guides and staff.

Members of our most recent Family Trek in November just after completing a zip-line canopy tour: Family Center Director Beth Venable is center among CCBS students, parents, siblings, guides and staff.

Hi folks…we are terribly excited to share this press release that is going out today to our extended “learning community” of parents, alumni, educational consultants and industry professionals. We have always been proud of our family focus and we hope, if you currently have a boy with us, you feel the care and dedication we offer to both the child and the entire family. The Family Center is a long-held dream of Founder Beth Black. Her experience as “the mom” of a struggling child in a therapeutic program and her commitment to serving the whole family is directly reflected in our mission statement to “challenge boys…and their families…to discover what is real and true about themselves and the world around them.” While we have been serving families from the beginning, we have grown to a place where we can launch our Family Center and have a focused, coordinated program for the entire family.

Press Release:
Cherokee Creek Boys School is pleased to announce launch of the Cherokee Creek Family Center. This new department will be headed by Beth Venable, formerly Marketing and Communications Director. She will report directly to Executive Director David LePere.

Beth was selected because of her excellent experiential education and program development background and deep interest in family-centered healing. She was the founder of our weekend CCBS Treks program for students and the Family Treks program for our parents and siblings. She will continue to manage marketing and communications duties during the start up of the department. Once the Center is fully up and running, marketing and communications will be assigned elsewhere within the organization.

“Establishing the Family Center has been a long-held dream for Cherokee Creek,” stated LePere. “Serving the whole family is a key part our mission. The Family Center lets us take our commitment to boys and their families to the next level. Not only will we bring the design and implementation of our current family services under common management, we are also adding new programs and activities.”

Beth Venable adds, “We are proud of our numerous existing services, including Family Seminars, Family Treks, sibling activities, Women’s Retreats for CCBS mothers,  Father/Son events, and our Alumni Weekend. The new Family Center will allow us to make these programs even better and to introduce several new elements such as Alumni Treks, Parent Coaching, Transition workshops, and skill development workshops to address the needs and interests of our boys and their families.”

What’s first? “Two ‘Women of Courage’ Retreats for CCBS moms, the quarterly Family Seminar featuring a special ‘Boundaries Boot Camp’ skill-building workshop…all in February!” says Venable. “We are excited and ready to get started!”

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The Burpee Challenge

From Left: Rick, Dain, Academic Dean Denise Savidge, Executive Director David LePere and Jackson all participated in the Burpee Challenge today.

From Left: Rick, Dain, Academic Dean Denise Savidge, Executive Director David LePere and Jackson all participated in the Burpee Challenge today.

A day after New Year’s, a friend of mine told me he was starting a 100-day Burpee Challenge. Thinking this would have something to do with growing plants, I asked, “Does that involve vegetables, or flowers?” He laughed, then without any explanation, did something that caught me completely by surprise. My friend squatted down, kicked his legs out behind him, did a push-up, brought his legs back in and from a squatting position jumped up with his hands reaching for the sky.

“That’s a burpee!” Excitedly he continued, “My brother and I have just started this great workout plan. We do one burpee on day one, two on day two, and so on until on day 100, we do 100.” He waited until he saw that I understood and then asked, “Want to join us? We’re on day 1.”

“Sure. That sounds like fun! I do need to get in shape for a sea kayaking trip.” I said quickly.

Doing 1 burpee was pretty easy so I later consulted Saint Google to see if joining my friends would actually get me in shape for a sea-kayaking trip I have coming up in the spring.

Apparently, over the course of the 100 days, we will do 5000 push-ups each…( and 5000 lunges… and 5000 squat thrusts!) …I love exercise, but the thought of those 5000 push-ups seemed overwhelming!

I’ve stuck with the plan and am on day 25 now. It is actually starting to become fun. The last few are always tough, but now that my body is adapting, the first 15 and even 20 were easy.  I’ve overcome my initial doubt that I could finish the whole challenge because all I have to do is “just do one more than I did yesterday”…and it’s not hard to do one burpee.

David, Rick and Denise in full burpee action.

David, Rick and Denise in full burpee action.

On day 2, I invited the staff and students of Cherokee Creek Boys School to join me in the challenge. During this quarter, we are studying the value of Courage in our classrooms, our outdoor treks, and in our PATH work. We already have PE every day before classes and many of our students are on the basketball team, so I just put the invitation out there. Eight courageous boys and one courageous Academic Dean embraced the challenge.

It reminded me that great goals are achieved one step – or pushup – at a time.  It’s a great message for everyone, but especially for students. By “exercising” courage to take on new challenges…and just doing a little bit more than we did last time, we can accomplish great feats in our lives!

If any of you who are going on the CCBS sea kayaking trip with me in April, it’s not too late to join the challenge? One burpee is really easy…

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