Women of Courage: CCBS Founder Beth Black, CCBS Manager of Clinical Services Jane Barker and 8 wonderful ladies who participated in this the innaugural Women of Courage retreat.

My dear friend Rick Stone wrote a wonderful book called The Healing Art of Storytelling. In it he says, “Telling a story, especially about ourselves, may be one of the most personal and intimate things we can do. Through storytelling we can come to know who we are in new and unforeseen ways. We can also reveal to others what is deepest in our hearts, and in the process, build bridges.” And when women gather in healing circles to tell their stories, extraordinary things happen!

In early February, 8 amazing Cherokee Creek Boys School moms gathered from around the country to attend “Women of Courage,” a retreat I hosted with Jane Barker, Manager of Clinical Services at CCBS. For two and a half days we read, wrote, talked, laughed, cried and ate great food (thanks to Beth Venable). We wove our stories into a beautiful “blanket of support,” creating a safe environment to share the vulnerable and authentic parts of our lives. We discovered, challenged assumptions, shed unnecessary burdens and made new commitments. And we laughed…a lot!

We began our retreat with a Rumi poem:

A Community of Spirit

There is a community of the spirit.
Join it, and feel the delight
of walking in the noisy street,
and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,
and be a disgrace.

Close both eyes
to see with the other eye.

Open your hands,
If you want to be held.

Sit down in this circle

Our CCBS Medicine Wheel places Courage in the position of the Warrior and challenges us to, “Show up and be present.” The ten of us showed up fully with delight, passion and maybe even a bit of disgrace! We did, indeed, create a community of spirit. With courage, we opened our hands and arms to one another and sat in a circle of new friends.

Coach Kory Byrd during a 2010 season game

Starting next week, the Cherokee Creek Boys School Bears will play their first game of the 2011 Basketball season. Head coach Kory Byrd has been practicing with the team for the past few weeks, and the players have come a long way in their skills and understanding of the game – it will be an exciting season to be sure – Go Bears!

 In addition to new skills, the team has been learning the importance of drawing the opposition’s defense out of position. Coach Byrd has been working with the team on many different passing drills. Some are designed to help the Bears break a “trap” set by the other team, some to move the ball up the court, and some to pass the ball in from out-of-bounds.

One drill in particular has caught my attention this year. When the Bears are trying to score a basket, they take time to “work the ball,” which means pass it from player to player around the perimeter of the defense. The purpose of all these passes is not so much to look for an open player – as I have thought for many years – but rather to try and draw the defense out of position. Once the other team’s defender has been caught out of position, one of ours will be open, and we get an unguarded opportunity to score!

On the other end of the court, Coach Byrd works with our middle school boys on their defense. We play a zone defense and Coach Byrd is keen on seeing that we don’t get “drawn out of position.”  Many of our players are first-timers in organized basketball, and our coach teaches them the boundaries of their positions, over and over again. He tells me that by the time the season starts, their boundaries and positioning on the court will be habit, and that’s when we will really start playing good defense.

Think with me for a moment about the concepts of “boundaries” and “defenses” that our award-winning coach Byrd is teaching our students and how his lessons on the basketball court can help us too!  We all have “defenses” that we build up through experience and over time.

Some of those defenses may be very helpful, like not taking an insult personally. Good defenses generally involve practicing good boundaries – which keep us in position – or “centered” – and help protect us. As long as we practice good boundaries we won’t be caught off balance, and we can better guard what we value.

Other defenses don’t serve us so well. For example, you may chose to say nothing or give in to something you don’t want to do, in order to protect yourself from the fallout of saying “no.”  Playing “out of position,” or with poor boundaries exposes the things we value – like our integrity – to failure.

Knowing that practicing good boundaries and “playing in position” will help us play much better, the challenge is to find those areas where we have been “drawn out of position” and move back within our boundaries!

I hope you all can come and watch our students play this season. I am already proud of the work they have done learning their positions, and can’t wait to see them put their lessons about good boundaries into practice! Thanks to Head Coach Byrd and his assistant coaches, Yanic McDowell and Jachin Wettstone, for teaching all the basketball skills and “real and true” life lessons to the students of Cherokee Creek Boys School!

Cherokee Creek Boys School is a therapeutic boarding school for middle-school boys, ages 11-15, located in Upstate South Carolina.

Students and families get together for S'mores during last week's Family Trek

I grew up visiting state parks throughout Georgia, North Carolina and South Carolina. They were my family’s escape from Florida summers to cooler temperatures and actual seasons. As a result, my brothers and sister and I cannot reflect on our childhood without recalling our park experiences. We were a “yours, mine and ours” family and those trips made us whole. Without them, I believe we might have retained more awareness of our differences instead of coming together as one family.

At Cherokee Creek Boys School, the families we serve need opportunities to become whole again. What better place than a state park…on a Cherokee Creek Family Trek…or a family vacation? With its particular orientation to family friendliness and its rich history with the Civilian Conservation Corps, Oconee State Park is special.

There is a story about a years-ago park manager at Oconee who decided to “update” the cabins by adding televisions. As the tale goes, when the park’s regional superintendant heard the news he ordered the televisions to be removed immediately stating that, “The day Oconee’s cabins have television, is the day we have failed to do our job.”

Today, if you stay at an Oconee State Park cabin, you will enjoy a working fire place, a screened in back porch complete with rocking chairs and even central air and heat. You will not have TV, WiFi, or a good cell phone signal. You will have time together for hiking, canoeing and other recreation, to make S’mores over an open fire  and stay up late telling family stories around the fireplace.

Your family may be non-traditional, single-parent, multi-generational, fractured or newly formed… but in that sacred, if sticky, “time together” place you will discover what is real and true about your family.  

PS…the next Family Trek is in May 2011

Cherokee Creek Boys School is a therapeutic boarding school for middle-school boys, ages 11-15, located in Upstate South Carolina

Student Artwork by Davis!

The trout of Henry’s Fork are widely respected as some of the smartest eaters around. They have learned to detect the smallest difference between an artificial fly with a hook in it and a tasty meal. Fly fishing aficianados refer to these particular trout as “fish with PhD’s.” Catching even a small one of these geniuses is a real feather in the cap of any serious fisherman…

So there I was, standing in the current for hours, casting fly after fly at these fish with no takers. The water was clear, and I could watch fish feeding all around me, I could even see the insects they were eating. Even when I tied on a fly that matched the pattern of their bug feast exactly, they would still watch my mock insect float by. Extremely frustrating or extremely challenging depending on how you look at it.

Since I had hours to spend casting and not catching fish, I thought about my children and just how smart they are.

Every Saturday I do a run to the dump with all of our trash. Every Saturday I try to get one of my kids to go with me. I love the one-on-one time with them. Last week it was my oldest son’s turn. My first “cast” was to try and ask excitedly, “Hey, you want to go on a ride with me?”

“No thanks, Dad.” He said this without even looking up from his book.

My next cast… “It would be some great male-bonding time,” I suggested.

“Nah, that’s okay,” and still no look.

“There might be a surprise…” This cast was expertly swung to appeal to his love of ice cream. This one almost always works.

“How about later today, Dad?” And once more, not even a glance up at me.

“Riley, I want to spend some time with you. It’s important to me,” I stated simply and sincerely.

He looked right into my eyes, saw that I really meant it, put his bookmark in place, and without reservation said, “Okay, Dad. Let’s go.”

It turns out that my kids have been watching me for years. My oldest proved to me, again, that what he really wants is a father who will meet him on a genuine, honest level. He wanted the “real thing.” We had a great time riding to and from the dump, and I realized he has a PhD in me!

The people who we are close to in our lives – our families and co-workers , have “PhD’s”, too. They know when we are “fishing around.” The challenge is to stop casting disingenuous invitations to connect, and realize that only a real and true invitation will be met with enthusiasm.

Cherokee Creek Boys School is a therapeutic boarding school for middle-school boys, ages 11-15, located in Upstate South Carolina.

Shaler Black Cooper, our Fire Keepers Circle Coordinator, proves it's never too late to say, "Thank you."

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how much impact my time with Sally had on my life.

In 1996 I was a high school freshman who had just left the comfort of an 8th grade class of 28 and entered into the massive hallways of the public high school where I was one of close to 1,000 other freshman. And if that change wasn’t enough – my family was in crisis. My brother had just left for a therapeutic boarding school in Idaho and we were trying to establish our new “norm” with a missing family piece.

That’s where Sally comes into the picture. Sally was a delightful, kind and gentle counselor. My parents strongly encouraged (aka made me) meet with her on a regular basis during my freshman and sophomore years of high school. I wasn’t all that enthusiastic about going to see a counselor. This painfully shy girl thought it was easier to fly under the radar, as I had been doing for so many years, than it would be to talk to a stranger about my feelings. But nope! The family needed a tune up, both as a family unit as well as each individual member, and that’s what we got!

Sally listened, talked and coached me through my anger, guilt, sadness, confusion, tears, triumphs, joys and successes.

Fast forward to August of 2010; during the August Cherokee Creek Family Seminar I helped to facilitate a “Siblings of Cherokee Creek Students” group discussion. During this discussion, many parents and siblings asked what was most helpful for me during the time my brother was away at school. Time after time I thought of sitting in Sally’s office in one of the white wicker chairs. This was a time of enlightening “ah-ha moments” and of blossoming self-confidence. I remember being allowed to be angry and cry and not feel like those emotions would place any blame or judgment on another family member. It was my safe place where I could say anything.

I had no idea if she would even remember me after 15 years, but I decided it was time to look her up, thank her and tell her about the positive impact she had om my life. So that’s exactly what I did. And she definitely remembered me. Afterwards, I received a lovely message from Sally thanking me for reaching out to her…and that it was a gift to hear that our time together had changed mt life.

I was grateful to find her and I learned it is never too late to say, “Thank you. You made a difference.” As Thanksgiving approaches, it is a wonderful time to refelct on the gratitude we feel for the many people who have touched our life.

Who has made a difference in your life? Have you told them? Are you living in a way that will make a difference to someone else?

Cherokee Creek Boys School is a therapeutic boarding school for middle-school boys, ages 11-15, in Upstate South Carolina.

In our study of the Medicine Wheel at Cherokee Creek Boys School, we are exploring the qualities of the Healer, the value of Love and the guiding principle of, “Paying attention to what has heart and meaning.” Therapist Jane Barker shares a touching story of healing and love – an experience filled with heart and meaning for her.

CCBS Therapist Jane Barker, LISW

It was not an ordinary camping trip. I was taking my daughter Casey to the state park where I had experienced treasures of childhood joys. In my early adulthood visits to the park had been harshly interrupted by my father’s chronic illness. I was flooded by memories of my father as I sat rocking gently in the hammock the first day, as he had so often done when I was a child. The park magically came alive with voices of laughter from my past summers. I was overwhelmed by the unexpected, simultaneous emotions of grief and joy. 

Later, during that same trip, I caught sight of a majestic Eagle soaring skillfully through the sky. I sat amazed at the splendor of this grand creature soaring through an orange evening sky glistening over the still blue water. Its mantles of feathers were a spectacular sight and its pallid head projected from the wings like a snow capped mountain. This rare sighting of the Eagle in the wild gave me a splendid observation of the Master of the Skies. 

I know my flashbacks to childhood and my encounter with the majestic Eagle were an alignment with grace, soaring like the Eagle, riding the winds to touching healing. I recognized the beauty beyond the harsh and cruel realities of life and death. 

I believe that when an animal shows up to you in an unusual way it is trying to convey a message. On that day I received a message about my own healing journey from the Eagle. My grief was a majestic encounter upon Eagle’s wings.

What magical and spectacular encounters have you had with animals in nature?  In what ways has the beauty of nature inspired healing in your life?

Cherokee Creek Boys School is a therapeutic Boarding School for middle-school boys, ages 11-15, located in Upstate South Carolina.

The boys building sand castles with Granny Annie

Emerald Isle, North Carolina! I propose to you that it is one of the most perfect family vacation places ever! It is family-friendly, has great beaches, nice surf, and not much else to do. Last week my wife, three kids and I made our third trip there…and each time seems better than the last.

 Here are five lessons I packed in my suitcase to bring back from the Island:

1. Cell phones do not help you communicate with people in the same room. They are for talking with people who you can’t see. When I needed to check my messages, I did so in a private room. When I was spending time with my family, I left my phone in the bedroom. “What I pay attention to is what I value” (see the “Attention is Caring” post)
2. Listen with your eyes, ears and heart. Only 7% of communication is the words, 38% is tone of voice, while a whopping 55% are the non-verbals…including what is not being said.
3. Get on the floor and do a puzzle. I really didn’t want to at first…but my insistent 4 year old convinced me. I had a great time, and so did he!  He asks me all the time at home and I usually blow it off because I “have to do something right now”.   We were only together for a few minutes, but the engagement was authentic and fun. This was a “memory making” moment! I vow to do puzzles with him even when I am not on vacation.
4. Uncle Nathan is invaluable. As a parent I spend a lot of time setting limits and boundaries with my kids. I don’t know if it has ever happened to you, but I get the feeling they tune me out after about the hundredth time I say the same thing. Uncle Nathan silenced all three boys at once when he said, “Your mom already said you can’t have another fudge cookie, so the answer is ‘no’.” Wouldn’t it be great if all of the adults in our kids’ lives backed us up like that? Who else can I include in my kids lives who has good boundaries and can help form a big circle of support around each of my boys?
5. Creativity from boredom. “Daddy I’m bored, can I play the DS?” says my oldest. “No, you have already played the DS.” This little scene repeated itself several times before he figured that I wasn’t going to be swayed, but in the interest of time I’ll skip to the conclusion – 15 minutes later, he was making a “racetrack” around the house with his little brothers, and when they finished with that, they went outside and drew on the sidewalk with the chalk their grandma gave them! None of them seemed bored to me…in fact they seemed happy. Less DS, more creative play!

Vacations have value besides naps and new scenery. The new perspective they provide helps us to remember what is really important. Try a new perspective on the vacation that you take this summer…look at it as a learning intensive time. It is fun to learn, especially on an island!

 SO HERE IS MY “REAL AND TRUE” FORMULA FOR CREATING A “VACATION OF FAMILY DISCOVERY” 

 UNPLUG FROM THE “OTHER” WORLD…LEAVE YOUR WORK, COMPUTER AND CELL PHONE “BACK AT HOME”

 PLU G INTO YOUR CHILDREN…PLAY GAMES, DO PUZZZLES, TELL STORIES, LAUGH, SIT ON THE FLOOR

 INVITE “UNCLE NATHAN” …EXPAND THE FAMILY CIRCLE IF YOU CAN. YOU WILL NEVER REGRET THE MEMORIES YOU ARE CREATING…

 RELAX, BREATHE, MAKE SPACE… “NATURE’S RHYTHM IS MEDIUM TO SLOW” … IT ALLOWS US TO ENGAGE OUR CREATIVE MIND…AND TO REST!

 AND A TRIP TO AN ISLAND IS WORTH THE JOURNEY! 

 David LePere is the executive director of Cherokee Creek Boys School, a therapeutic boarding school for middle-school boys ages 11-15 in Westminster, SC.